I received a piece of anonymous hate mail from someone this week. In it the author addressed my choices and marital split. It was pretty rough.
I’ve had hate mail before, and my rule of thumb has always been that when it comes unsigned and with no return address, I give it no playing time, because there’s no conversation to have with anonymity.
But I realize that really isn’t true. Nothing is hidden in consciousness, and nothing is really anonymous. Energies are what they are, and our response to them is very real. The faceless are real players, even if they don’t have names. I began to wonder what was asking for my attention in this. Maybe not the person directly, but a whole bunch of consciousness certainly was!
So I thought I’d share the way I walked through the hate mail with you. It feels like it might be helpful. Because have you ever felt the desire to write that scathing email or letter, to post that post, where you let the assholes of life know exactly what they are and what you think of them? To right the WRONGS in the world, for God’s sake?
It’s worth taking a look at. Because whatever that urge brings up for us (or the response in us if we are the target of the missive) is where the master guide for our lives is. Really? … Yep.
So here’s what I did:
First I felt what it brought up in me. It was like getting kicked in the face, and I immediately retreated and turned inward to lick my wounds. I spent some time there. I didn’t do anything with the feelings, but let them have whatever attention they wanted. I also didn’t build a story around it, assign meanings to what was happening, or create a defense (well, maybe for a little haha!). I let the energies flow.
Then I remembered that whatever anyone says about someone else, always, is about them and not about the person they’re speaking about. Let me unpack this a little more. If I were to say something (as I had in a fb post that the letter-writer referenced), one person might think it is the most beautiful thing ever, and another might think it is horse shit. So which is the truth about what I said? Neither, of course, because those people’s perceptions, and their responses are about them, not about me. If others’ reactions were truly about me, everyone would have the same response, and would be in agreement. But we aren’t, are we? There is no ultimate truth in this level of the play of life, about right and wrong. Opinions and reactions are not truth. Deciding whose camp we are in is not truth. Rather, this is judgment, polarity, and separation, and it has nothing to do with the object of the judgment. I’ll say it again: There is no truth in right and wrong. There are just perceptions rooted in separation.
Here’s where it gets interesting. Because we begin to see that no one is ever really perceiving us. They are perceiving aspects of their lives projected outward – their own positions, experience and opinions. And we are not really seeing them. Same deal. Until, that is, we wake up. This is where we soften into compassion, because we see that whatever is coming our way from another is the universe that someone is carrying within themselves. We see that the striking out is all born of suffering, and is asking for the light of love to return it home. We see that the only way someone can judge another is because they are judging themselves. Ouch.
So I took a look at this woman on the inner planes. I perceived the energies of righteousness, judgment, and pain. I especially noticed a fierce rising to the defense of a helpless victim who is being wronged. In her words, her “heart is breaking” for him. In short, she is in pain, either from her own suffering or from being triggered by someone else’s (which is actually the same thing, all arising from within). I could feel how life feels mean, heartless, and unfair to her and those around her, and how for her, I am the perfect example of what causes the pain. A target. Somewhere to finally place the wrong! I remembered again that whatever her judgments are, they are reflections of her relationship with her own life. And I saw how she wanted to direct that pain outward, to reference it to me which might somehow alleviate the hurt.
And here is the beautiful part to know. When think we might feel better when we do this, but actually we are simply delaying our divine appointment with our own sense of victimhood. Whenever we point our pain outward, it’s a deflection of coming into presence with our own hearts. When the urge arises to judge, this opportunity is always for us, not for the object of our judgment. Of course it’s also perfect and beautiful to delay this divine appointment. We are sovereign, remember? We can choose whatever path we desire. And our hearts will wait for us forever.
The night after the hate mail I had a dream. In it, there was a woman visiting Rob, and I asked her if she wrote the letter. Yes, she said. I was so angry at her, totally fired up and wanting to strike out. I came at her with my fury, told her right in her face how much I wanted to hit her, but that I was going to hug her instead. I did just that, and I held on for a while. I held on until all of the anger dissolved and I was neutral. It took a bit. Afterward, she wanted to simply hang out and talk with me. I told her I was leaving. She was shocked! Hadn’t I just hugged her? Yes, but that didn’t mean I wanted relationship with her, or to be around her. That hug, that compassion, was for compassion’s sake, and in the end had nothing to do with her. It had nothing to do with proving her right, or even forgiveness. Remember, there is no truth in right and wrong. It had to do with waking up and recognizing what we all are.
The next morning I found gratitude for all that she has offered me through her letter. I took it outside and burned it, a sweet and beautiful letting go of the illusion of right and wrong, of judgment, and of pain and suffering.
And as I reflect further, I see that her letter didn’t accomplish her intent, at least not the intent of her human mind (though perhaps her soul’s intention is well-served!). I didn’t suddenly recognize my immaturity, wrongness and heartlessness, and change my ways. I didn’t take her point of view and prove her right by making myself wrong. I saw again that her letter was for her, and my response to it was for me.
Awakened living is not for the faint of heart. We simply can’t pass the blame for anything we feel or experience to someone else any more. We either claim the awareness that we are creating our realities, individually and collectively, or we don’t, We either claim the truth that we are all sovereign creators of our divine mystery plays, writing the roles for all of our characters, including the less noble ones, or we don’t. For me, this is the huge upside to awakening. Finally there is full accountability, which means there is also full freedom and empowerment. How beautiful is that?
Once again, my life is presenting an awakening clinic, this time through relationship. I am all in for receiving the experiences as the master guide of awakening that they are. If you’d like to check out a free video on Relationship as a Master Guide for Your Life, click below. The way I see it, we’re going to have the relationship experiences, whatever they are: good, bad, absent, and everything in between. We might as well allow them to serve our awakening to what we are!